Shame

Shame is something I have read a handful of books about, I have received advanced training on and still struggle to fully explain at times. With my therapy niche being trauma, this is something I work with everyday; and being human it is something I experience on a primal level every day. 

Shame is one of the things that sets humans apart from other animals. In much of the literature shame is described as a “master emotion,” something we observe in all cultures, genders, ages, etc. The only group of humans that don’t experience shame, are people who have antisocial personality disorder. Being a master emotion, it also is a very intense emotion to experience. I have heard it described as a filter that gets cast on our world view, so it can become something we begin to define ourselves by (more on this later).

From my research, I separate out shame into two categories: healthy shame and toxic shame. 

Healthy shame is when we experience shame in the way we are supposed to. If we think back to the early stages of humanity when we needed other humans to survive; shame is what held us accountable to be good members of our communities and avoid acting in ways that could get us cast out into certain death. If early humans acted in a way that harmed themselves or the community; shame was the accountability factor. Because shame protects the community, in order for there to be a resolution there needs to be community involvement in the repair. Healthy shame should not linger past the repair, and that is something that sets it apart from toxic shame. 

Toxic shame is the distortion of the purpose of shame. Since shame is so primal and uncomfortable to feel, many people try to hide our shame or avoid it all together. When we deny ourselves the ability to repair our shame, it starts to become a parasite in our identity. Some common examples of this are statements: “I am not good enough” “I am bad” “I am worthless” “I am worthless.” Other places toxic shame shows up is in perfectionism, people pleasing, imposter syndrome, and overworking ourselves. 

When we try to hide our shame, it only strengthens its power over us. Brene Brown says that in her research, when we can be open and vulnerable with our shame it cannot survive. 

It takes a lot of guts to face your shame; it is hard and messy work. However, it is so liberating when we learn to accept those parts of ourselves. Our society is built on the parasitic qualities of toxic shame. It keeps us isolated from each other and our communities, defines our worth on things like our productivity, appearance, and socioeconomic status. All things that aren’t a primal part of our humanity. The more we challenge the ideals that trigger toxic shame, the more change we will start to see in ourselves and our communities.

-Elisa